Love and Hate

I hate when people hate me/are mad at me/are unhappy with me. The expected blowout happened tonight with the ex. I didn't know when it was coming, just that it would - even at this point, which is six months past the breakup. Never fails - when I look back at the four major LTRs, the trend is there. Breakup, try to be friends, have a HUGE falling out, don't speak for anywhere from one month to a year and half, then we're back to being friends. Usually the blowout is because he ends up hating me.

Breakups leave me emotionless. Distant. Indifferent. No feeling whatsoever towards him. I've attempted reconciliation at some points - never works. How do people make it work again? I don't see any solution. We try to talk - why? What happened? What can I do better? And I just sit there - absolutely nothing to say. I am hollow and blank. I guess when it's over, it's over. I can't put the pieces back together. I can't even be a decent friend.

I suppose my way of coping is to keep up with a busy schedule. I thrive on that - I love having something to do every minute of the day. I perform at a higher level when I'm kept on my toes. When I'm not in a relationship, I am busy and happy. When I meet someone worth spending time with, I clear my schedule and make time because I want to. I don't see it as giving anything up; I'm gaining something better. Then when it's over, I pick up the single life again, right where I left off. Maybe that's my coping mechanism. I kinda think it's just my normal life. Then how do you fit the ex into your regular life as a friend? I'm back into my busy schedule and unavailable as often as I was previously. That's the main source of contention. I'm fine being a once-in-awhile friend, and he wants more than that. Forget relationship counseling; we need a therapist to tell us how to be friends.

Like he said, I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm gonna go watch The Notebook right now, and maybe I'll cry. That might be good; see if I have any shred of emotion left in me.